I just read this blog post.
And it made me think some things.
I had started to write a different blog post. But was I writing it for my glory or for God's?
Writing is simultaneously the one thing I know I am gifted and called to do and the one thing in which I most desperately want the world's approval.
I want to know the Lord more. I want to love Him more. I want to do more for Him and the people He loves than I do for myself.
Sometimes I feel like I don't know how or where to start.
I want to live in radical devotion and dedication to Him.
I want to love Him unabashedly.
I want to be my own person without apology.
I feel like something is holding me down and preventing me from doing that.
I feel like I've been living with weights instead of the lightness that I desire.
I feel like living in cities and suburbs is killing my soul.
I'm 29 and single, and I am convinced that I want to live in a small town.
Even to me, that sounds crazy.
I am ever so sick of the "noise." All of the voices telling you a million different things, but mostly always echoing similar sentiments: be more, get more, do more.
The physical noise (I live next to a highway).
I don't want to - be about all the "more."
There's some "more" that I need. I need more money so that I can pay the bills. I want to be able to buy what I need and stop living paycheck to paycheck. I need new winter boots. A splash of paint in my room to lift my creative spirits.
But mostly I just want to be free to run hard after Jesus and love His people without all the noise.
Is hibernation an option?
I'm in the middle of applying for a new full-time position. Acquiring one was 2014's first mission.
I'm applying to some here and there. Some stuck in big town, and any decent ones I can find in the small towns.
I'm waiting to find out where I will end up.
I'm waiting to end up somewhere so that I can map out the rest of my year and the rest of my goals.
Until then, I'm in limbo.
I've given myself a due date of March 1st.
March 1st is my 30th birthday.
That and the new year, they've been making me ask some big questions. Mostly about... what I want my life to look like if I never have any of the traditional markers of significance: family, prestigious jobs, fame, money.
What do I want?